


i'm not a stranger to the dark

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Evan Hansen, Awkward Evan Hansen, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bonding over suicide, Dissociation, Gay, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Evan Hansen, Panic Attacks, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, evan is more fucked up than in the canon, honestly just change my name to angst lord that's all i am, it may or may not be as angsty as the tags make it seem, the gay agenda reigns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 16:25:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14453166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Connor Murphy had suicide attempts. Everyone and their mother knew it, though Connor had never confirmed anything. Evan Hansen was the cute kid with anxiety and a stutter. No one quite disliked him, though he largely went ignored. They were more alike then everyone assumed.





	i'm not a stranger to the dark

**Author's Note:**

> this one will probably get a f e w more chapters. it's shorter than i thought it would be, but i don't have much more to add lmao.
> 
> title from the greatest showman, even though i dislike that movie. it fit ig
> 
> also note that evan is much more depressed than in the musical because G O D i live for angst
> 
> PLEASE check the tags. i didn't tag those because the suicide attempts, panic/anxiety attacks, and mental health issues were a background thing.

**July 28th**

 

He sat on the edge of a bridge, feet hanging and mind flying. If he were to jump, the fall wouldn't kill him. Neither would the sharp rocks he could see on the bank below. The rushing water, however, would swallow him in an instant. His body might even reach a lake, with how fast the water was moving today. Drowning wasn't the worst thing that could happen, he supposed. It could even be written off as an accident.

 

Standing on that ledge, he was merely an accident.

 

One foot off the edge now, his existence was a coincidence.

 

Arms raised up, he had just been a mistake.

 

He closed his eyes then. Seeing the water rising up to meet his falling form was a little much, even for Evan. The rush of air and the feeling that everything would be gone soon- what he assumed would happen- might have sounded pleasant if he didn't have so much experience with falling.

 

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" 

 

Evan stumbled backwards. He half-tripped over the railing and fell onto the street. He could feel his cuts shift painfully, maybe even open again, which was  _w_ _onderful_  but besides the point. Heart pounding, he turned to the person. 

 

There was  _Connor_   _Murphy_ , standing with one hand on his hip and the other held up, ready to catch  _Evan_  if he decided to jump to his death. It was a nice sentiment, though the taller boy most likely wouldn't have made it. When did his life get so fucked up that his crush of 2 years just stopped him from killing himself, though they had never exchanged a word?

 

"I- I'm- um." Eloquent, Hansen. "I'm... I was- n-nevermind?" He wrung his hands awkwardly and looked at anything but the taller boy. 

 

Connor just sighed. No matter what Hansen said, he knew what was about to happen. Evan was going to jump, and probably would have died. "Sure, Hansen." Slowly and carefully, he walked over to Evan. The pills in his pocket weighed on him heavily.

 

As Connor walked, Evan felt panic fill him. There were so many things Connor could do to him with the knowledge that he was a suicidal nutcase. Give him a real reason to be so fucked up, maybe?

 

None of that happened. He just collapsed to the ground next to Evan. The silence wasn't uncomfortable.

 

"Have you been here before?" 

 

Connor didn't need to specify. They both heard the real question behind it. "A- a few times." And Connor heard the real answer.

 

**August 6th**

 

In two different neighborhoods, two different people set two different bottles of pills down. It felt like a betrayal, in some way. To not give the other a chance to save them. 

 

Evan forced himself to stand up and get in the shower. He knew he'd walk out with more cuts than he started with, but he would be here.

 

Connor threw the pills out the window. If he wanted to be Evan's reason to stay alive, than he couldn't do that. That wouldn't be fair. 

 

They left their houses with love in their hearts and scars on their skin, but they were still alive.

**Author's Note:**

> comments fuel me, we authors love them.
> 
> i also take prompts, so hmu


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